Fw: Californian to Texan Translation Guide

 

Fw: Above and Beyond ...

The National Veteran's Art Museum in Chicago has an unusual work of art, which most people don't know exists! When visitors first enter the museum, they will hear a sound like wind chimes coming from above them and their attention will be drawn upward 24 feet to the ceiling of the two-story high atrium. Dog tags of the more than 58,000 service men and women who died in the Vietnam War hang from the ceiling. The 10-by-40-foot sculpture, entitled Above & Beyond, was designed by Ned Broderick and Richard Stein. The tens of thousands of metal dog tags are suspended 24 feet in the air, 1 inch apart, from fine lines that allow them to move and chime with shifting air currents. Museum employees using a kiosk and laser pointer help visitors locate the exact dog tag with the imprinted name of their lost friend or relative. "If you can read this, thank a teacher... If you are reading it in English, thank a vet."

Fw: GREAT GOLF STORY

Golf Story - Heartwarming    Let's hope this happens to all of us! 98 and no enemies - human interest story.   All golfers should live so long as to be this kind of old man! Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad. "Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all the sons of bitches."

 

Fw: (No subject)

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time. One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him. While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died. At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes". The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no". Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why. The farmer replied," Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,' That mule for sale?'                                                      

Fw: Rise and shine

 
 
Sixty is the worst age to be," said the  60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee, and  most of the time you stand there and nothing comes  out."

"Ah,  that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy,  you don't have bowel movement any more. You take laxatives,  eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes  out!"

"Actually,"  said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of  all."

"Do  you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No,  I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a  flat rock -- no problem at all."

"So,  do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No,  I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated,  the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and  crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."
 
 
 

Fw: New Species Discovered

New Species Discovered  They are referred to as "homo slackass-erectus" created by natural genetic downward evolution through constant spineless posturing, and spasmatic upper limb gestures, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and an inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. The "drag-crotch" shape also seems to effect brain function. Expect no eye contact or intelligent verbal communication. History shows that this species mostly receives food stamps and full government care. Unfortunately, most are highly fertile.

Fw: 7 Thoughts to Ponder

7 THOUGHTS TO PONDER:

 
Number 7

Life is sexually transmitted.


Number 6

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.


Number 5

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.


Number 4

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in
the hospitals, dying of nothing.


Number 3

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.


Number 2

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers-- What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow


... and as someone recently said to me:

"Don't worry about old age-- It doesn't last that long."