Skinny dipping

                  An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for 
several years.

                  He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped 
for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, 
and some apple and peach trees.

                  One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the 
pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

                  He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some 
fruit.

                  As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and 
laughing with glee.

                  As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women 
skinny-dipping in his pond.

                  He made the women aware of his presence and they all 
went to the deep end.

                  One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out 
until you leave!'

                  The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch 
you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

                  Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator....'

Some old men can still think fast !!

Fw: laugh for you....

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a
funeral director to play at a graveside service for a
homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service
was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back
country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and
being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally
arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left, and they were
eating lunch. I felt bad and apologized to the men for being
late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down, and
the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else
to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather
around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no
family and friends. I played like I've never played before
for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace," the
workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept
together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was
full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the
workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and
I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

FWD: Tiger Woods Analyzed...

SIMPLY AMAZING WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT Isn't it amazing that, within only one week of Tiger Woods crashing his Escalade, the press found every woman with whom Tiger has had an affair during the last few years?   And, they even uncovered photos, text messages, recorded phone calls, etc.!   Furthermore, they not only know the cause of the family fight, but they even know it was a 9 iron from his golf bag that his wife used to break out the windows in the Escalade.  And, each & every day, they were able to continue to provide America with updates on Tiger's sex rehab stay, his wife's divorce settlement figures, as well as the dates & tournaments in which he will play. Now, Barack Hussein Obama has been in office for almost three years, yet this very same press: · Cannot find any of his childhood friends or neighbors; · Or find any of Obama's high school or college classmates; · Or locate any of his college papers or grades; · Or determine how he paid for both a Columbia & a Harvard education; · Or discover which country issued his visa to travel to Pakistan in the 1980's; · Or even find Michelle Obama's Princeton thesis on racism. They just can't seem to uncover any of this. Yet, the public still trusts that same press to give them the whole truth! Don't you find that totally amazing ? You cannot get the water to clear up until you get the pigs out of the creek.

 
 

 

 
 
 

Fwd: Pretty while having fun

Sent from probably the coolest phone on the planet!!!!!

!!!!!!

What Aisle is the Polish Sausage in?

What Aisle is the Polish Sausage in?
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days................

A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy , clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

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Fwd: How to start each day with a positive attitude....

Hey this really works!!!       (This struck me funny.)     HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK 1. Open a new file in your computer 2. Name it 'Barack Obama'. 3. Send it to the Recycle Bin. 4. Empty the Recycle Bin. 5. Your PC will ask you: 'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?' 6. Click 'YES.' 7. Feel better?   GOOD - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi